


73. aching bones

by piggy09



Series: The Sestre Daily Drabble Project [115]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 03:38:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8355550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piggy09/pseuds/piggy09
Summary: “Can I tell you a secret,” Helena whispers into the darkness of the 3am tent.





	

“Can I tell you a secret,” Helena whispers into the darkness of the 3am tent. The only sounds are crickets chirping and the hushed in-out of Sarah’s breathing. Helena’s heart is pounding against her chest. She can tell Sarah is awake – she knows the rhythms of her own breathing, and Sarah’s rhythms aren’t that different – but she doesn’t know if Sarah will pretend to be asleep, or if she won’t care, or if she doesn’t want the secret pushing at the roof of Helena’s mouth to be true.

“What,” Sarah says grumpily. “You know we’ve gotta get goin’ early tomorrow morning.”

“I think that man in Rachel’s apartment was the last one,” Helena whispers giddily into the tent. “No more killing. That is what I think. Never again.”

“That’s great, Helena,” Sarah says flatly. There’s a pause, and she sighs. “Seriously, that’s – great.”

Helena’s heart flips and she sits up, scrambles for the lantern. Sarah makes a horrified sound when Helena turns it on, covers her face with both hands.

“You don’t believe me,” Helena says. “You don’t think I can change. Because of what I did before. You don’t _believe_ me.”

“No, I don’t,” Sarah says. “You were gonna kill Rachel, yeah?”

“But you stopped me,” Helena says slowly. She wants Sarah to understand: that’s the _point_. Now that Sarah exists, Helena can be a person who doesn’t kill people. Just knowing that Sarah is out there, that once Sarah stepped between her and a gun – that can be enough, and she’ll be good and kind and not a knife anymore. She’ll never be anyone’s weapon again.

“And what about next time?” Sarah says, sitting up. She is sleep-rumpled and glaring, eyeliner smeared around her eyes into a bruise-dark shadow. “What if I’m not there to stop you? That can’t be your answer to every problem, Helena. Killing people.”

“It’s not,” Helena whispers. Sarah just looks at her, flat and almost angry.

“Sure,” she says. Then she shakes her head a little bit, sighs again.

“Seriously,” she says, “I’m happy for you. Just…” she tries to run a hand through her hair, but it gets caught on the tangles. “The last time I thought you were gonna stop killing people, you killed the one person in the world I’d always wanted to meet. Then you tried to kill me. I – I can’t believe you, Helena.”

“I’m different now,” Helena whispers. Her voice keeps getting softer. She can’t stop it.

“Are you?” Sarah says.

“You’ll see,” Helena says urgently. She leans across the space between them and puts her hand on Sarah’s hand; Sarah’s knuckles are still warm from the sleeping bag and Helena wishes they were in the same sleeping bag and Helena wishes they were the same person, sometimes, because if she was inside Sarah’s ribcage she is certain she wouldn’t hurt people anymore. “I’ll be good, and I won’t hurt anybody, and—” _and you’ll trust me around your family, and you won’t turn around in your sleeping bag so your face isn’t near my face and then you’ll love me, Sarah, you’ll finally love me._

“…and I’ll be better,” she finishes lamely. “Like you.”

“God,” Sarah sighs, “don’t – don’t be better like me, okay? That’s not – something you should try to be, Helena.”

“I think you are so good,” Helena whispers, so quiet it almost doesn’t seem real. Sarah just watches her. She looks so tired. Her eyelids keep drooping, but that isn’t what Helena means by tired.

“I hope you don’t have to,” Sarah says. “Kill anybody. Want that for you, Helena.”

Helena is silent just long enough for Sarah to shove “Good night” at her like food she doesn’t want and curl up in her sleeping bag and go back to pretending to be asleep. Helena watches the shape of her skull through the dark shining of her hair.

“I’m never going to kill anyone,” she says. “Ever again.” She wishes the words didn’t sound so unreal in the light.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please kudos + comment if you enjoyed! :)
> 
> (Side note: if there's too many angst ones in a row and you physically can't read another one, or if there's something in particular you want to see, please comment & let me know! We still have at least another hundred days left, I am open to suggestions if you want anything.)


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